I am not an expert on forgiveness. I have read several books about forgiveness, which were written by psychologists, but realistically the only expert I can imagine would be the Dalai Lama (and I was blessed to hear him when he was in Tucson a few years ago).  His theme for the 4 day conference was on forgiveness and compassion.  He explained why he was not angry at the Chinese people and how he had forgiven them for their actions in Tibet.  There are several research projects on the topic of forgiveness (one is being conducted at Stanford and another at the University of Wisconsin).  However, most of this research is only 5 years old so is inconclusive.  I am presenting parts of Robin Casarjian's book, Forgiveness (A Bold Choice for a Peaceful Heart) today because hers is the best of all that I have read, and I hope to inspire you to purchase it to assist you on your journey of forgiving.

My Mother tried to teach me about apologies and forgiveness.  When I misbehaved as a child she sat me on a chair beside her for whatever household task she was performing such as ironing, cooking, so she could continue working and discipline me simultaneously.  She asked me to think about what I did, why I did it, how it turned out, what other choices I could have made and whether I was right or wrong.  If I was wrong I needed to apologize and ask for forgiveness.  I was also instructed to forgive myself and then let it go.

Later, in church, I recall that Christ taught forgiveness and I remembered the phrase he said while on the cross when he said "Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do."  Even as a child I was amazed that someone would pray for the people who were killing him.  I was also astounded by Christ's instructions to forgive not 7 times but 70 times 7 times. (Matt. 18:21).

For many years I did not think about forgiveness very often.  I used what my Mother taught me: I apologized when I made a mistake and forgave people when they hurt me.

During my 30s I decided to study all the religions of the world so I would be able to understand any client or student who had a different faith than mine.  What I quickly discovered were the similarities between all the religions.

Major world religions have long considered forgiveness one of the most important human virtues.  Jesus' radical forgiveness is the foundation of Christianity; Judaism's high holy days, Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur, are focused on atonement; Buddhism calls for ceaseless empathy and compassion toward all beings, especially enemies; in the Koran, the angel of Gabriel tells Mohammed to set aside vengeful anger.  And from the Bhagavad Gita, a classic Hindu text: "If you want to see the brave, look for those who can forgive.  If you want to see the heroic, look at those who can love in return for hatred."

I am going to share only 3 sections of Robin's book with you today: What forgiveness is not, what forgiveness is, and several important forgiveness challenges in order to have a peaceful heart.

What Forgiveness Is Not:

1. Forgiveness is not condoning or approving negative, inappropriate behavior.

2. Forgiveness is not pretending everything is just fine when we feel it isn't.  Examples: being nice to avoid anger or to "keep the peace".

3. Forgiveness is not assuming an attitude of superiority or self-righteousness.

4. Forgiveness does not mean we will or must change our behavior.  For instance: My ex-husband and I have forgiven each other for our failed marriage but that does not mean we want to get back together.

5. Forgiveness does not require that we verbally communicate directly to the person we have forgiven.  This is an option but not always necessary.  Because it is not mandatory to tell a person we have forgiven them we can forgive people whom we are unable to contact and this includes those who have died.

6. Forgiving does not mean forgetting.  Severe, deep or traumatic pain leaves a scar on the brain so will be remembered, but when we have forgiven ourselves and others our feelings and perception of the scar shift to an attitude of "oh, that, I remember that event."  We can talk about the memory without getting a lump in our throat or tears in our eyes.

Remember to breathe!!! Everyone take 3 deep breaths.  (For some unknown reason when discussing forgiveness people start to hold their breath.  I think it is because we feel vulnerable when we are forgiving, but in reality the more we forgive the stronger we become.)

What Is Forgiveness:

1. Forgiveness is a decision to see beyond the limits of another's personality - to see the pure essence of another - to remember there is much more to every individual that the behavior that hurts others.

2. Forgiveness is an attitude.  It is the realization that we have always done the best we could in any given moment, given our resources, our beliefs, our perceptions (which are always limited), our family background, our emotional state and the circumstances or situation we are in at that moment.  When I made a mistake as a child my father would often say to me, "You should have known better."  I remember thinking silently to myself (because fear prevented me from talking back to my father)..." if I had known better, of course I would not have done __________ (whatever).

3. Forgiveness is a process that requires us to shift our perceptions again and again.  Severe harm or trauma may take a long time of working the steps of forgiveness.  However, each time we practice forgiving we become more skilled with the steps of the forgiveness process.

4. Forgiveness is a way of life.  As a way of life, forgiveness involves a commitment to experiencing each moment and each person uncluttered and unbiased by past perceptions and memories.

5. Forgiveness is a learned behavior.  Therefore each time we practice apologizing for our mistakes and each time we forgive another we are increasing our forgiveness skills.

6. Forgiveness is a belief about human nature.  It is believing that each individual has a pure soul and a heart capable of great love in spite of how they may be behaving in this moment.  In the middle of her book Robin covers the obstacles to forgiveness and then the steps of the forgiveness process.  It is an excellent "how to manual" which I have not found in any other material.

The last chapters of the book have instructions on how to forgive: Robin recommends starting with small things and strangers, then move to:

1. Our parents.

2. Our spouse, friends, partners.

3. Our children.

4. Ourself.  And I am certain you have all discovered that forgiving ourself is the most difficult.

5. Our body: for imperfections, illnesses, weaknesses, aging, dying

6. Groups with which we disagree.  People like the Dalai Lama and Desmond Tutu who have lived through the horrors of genocide and oppression have as much justification as anyone would need to hate and harbor ill will forever.  In situations like these, one may never forgive certain behaviors or acts - while being willing to forgive people.  Forgiving is, paradoxically, a way of "fighting back" because it is refusing to accept hatred as any solution (P. 218).  Forgiveness teaches us that under behavior that appears heartless, there is a heart; beyond actions that do not have an iota of redeemable value, there is a soul of value (P. 219).

7. God.  Implicit in forgiving God is an acceptance of forces in the universe that are part of the great mystery of life, which we cannot ultimately understand, control, or predict.  In order to forgive God we must go beyond the image of God as Big Daddy and ourselves as helpless children.  We can forgive God when we let go of our rigid ideas of what life is "supposed to be" and enter into a relationship with God that is both accepting and co-creative.  Then we look for ways to embrace life in its totality and to make the most of every situation.

Close with 3 quotes; from "Gifts From a Course in Miracles", from "Paramahansa Yoganada", the Autobiography of a Yogi, and from "Inner Simplicity" by Elaine St. James

• Gifts from a Course in Miracles (p. 74)
  What could you want forgiveness cannot give?  Do you want peace? Forgiveness offers it.  Do you want happiness, a quiet mind, a certainty of purpose, and a sense of worth and beauty that transcends the world?  Do you want care and safety, and the warmth of sure protection always?  Do you want a quietness that cannot be disturbed, a gentleness that never can be hurt, a deep, abiding comfort, and a rest so perfect it can never be upset?  All this forgiveness offers you.

• Parahahansa (p. 513)
  One should forgive under any injury, says the Mahabharata (an ancient Hindu text).  It hath been said that the continuation of the species is due to mans' being forgiving.  Forgiveness is holiness; by forgiveness the universe is held together. Forgiveness is the might of the mighty; forgiveness is sacrifice; forgiveness is quiet of mind.  Forgiveness and gentleness are the qualities of the self-possessed.  They represent eternal virtue.

• Elaine St. James in her book: Inner Simplicity (p. 160)
  Keep in mind that you don't have to learn forgiveness for the benefit of the person who may have wronged you, but for the liberation of your own soul.

References:

• Casajarian, Robin - Forgiveness (A Bold Choice For a Peaceful Heart) - Bantam Books, NY 1992 St. James, Elaine - Inner Simplicity - Hyperion, NY 1995 P. 160

• Vaughn, Frances and Walsh, Roger, Ed. Gifts From a Course in Miracles - Putnam Book, NY 1995 p. 74

• Yogananda, Paramahansa - Autobiography of a Yogi - Self-Realization Fellowship - 1946 p. 513

© Copyright 2005 Merilyn E. Nance, Ph. D.

**** We Need Donations ****